Holiday Kvetches....

No, not the Christmas/Passover/Lent/Easter/Groundhog Day kind of holidays. The "I'm taking a week off for no reason other than the fact that I'm sick of all of your faces" kind of holiday. No, not really, as I actually quite like the people I work with, a lot. There's really not a bad apple in the bunch. Oh, they have cranky days like everybody, but honestly, I think I've got them all beat there. When I'm cranky, its just BAAAAAAD.

No, I just needed a week to try and unwind (it hasn't happened yet, I'm still tense and its Thursday....) so that when I get assaulted by the overwhelming workload when I get back, I won't lose my mind in anxiety attacks, which is what I was having a few weeks before. A sure sign that I needed a break. The problem is I'm not sure what I should do. This evening, I'm going to clean my apartment from top to bottom, do a laundry and exhaust myself in the process. Tomorrow morning, I'm up early to do some writing and then I'm going for a bike ride to practice for Saturday and tomorrow afternoon, I've got my professional organizer friend coming in to help me purge junk out of my apartment. Tomorrow night I have a concert at the Opera House to go to.

Why then, do I feel so desperate? I haven't done any writing, shame on me, and I'm kvetching about nothing really. I keep thinking of people who REALLY have problems, what with brain tumours, AIDS, abusive spouses and the whatnot flying about and I think to myself, "You putz, quit whining and do something." So for now, until I work up my nerve to sort through my laundry, I'm doing this.

Thank God for this bike rally. Its actually given me a focus on something else besides my own neuroses. Its true that old saying, that if you want to forget about yourself keep yourself busy doing stuff for others. A pity I'm so damn selfish and don't do more of it. James H. and I were speaking of this the other day, that if you're creative by nature (I don't deign to call myself an artist, but James is undoubtedly) then solitude to do your work is a necessity. The problem is, I always feel guilty if I take that time for myself, when I think there are other, more pressing things to be doing. Selfishness, and a certain sort of ruthlessness is necessary I think in order to be successful in any art. That and a very strong sense of self-discipline. None of which I've got. I can be selfish, but its a reactionary selfishness that hits when I feel burnt out, and I usually end up being my own worst enemy as a result ("I'm going to stay out and drink all night because I've had a shitty week!") and I end up paying for it for days afterwards. I've too much of a weak stomach to be really ruthless with anybody, and I have no self-discipline. I get things finished eventually, but its the going back and redoing, and rewriting and the rest of it that finishes me off.

One hears about mentors and such and so forth that kick their students' asses and keep them working endlessly on their art and improving, and I think that's what I'd like. A kickass impresario who nags me endlessly for more copy, and then sends it back and says, more, more, more!! But the truth is; that's what I'd like. Its probably not what I need. What I need is to take responsibility for this beast myself and attack it daily. And that's what I'm going to do.

Tomorrow.